Ghosting, Neighbors, Wake Up Calls and Picking Up the Phone…

This week, we’re roasting calling out the ghosters, the neighbors AND the customers, John’s wake up call and Amer rants about telephones. Buckle up—this edition’s spicy!

Here’s this week’s rants:

🔥 Jimmy rant’s about GHOSTING!
Somewhere… somehow.. we picked up GHOSTING as a “move.” This week Jimmy rants about how annoying and unprofessional it is. This one is potentially unhinged…

💸 Bryan’s compares his neighbor to customers…
Have you met Bryan’s neighbors? This week he shares his real life experience with us about his neighbors (woo they famous now) and compares them… to customers.

😬 John is asking D2C brands wtf they’re doing
Setting expectations for your customers isn’t a recommendation, it’s a requirement people and John is sick and tired of your insane shipping times, this is 2025.

🤌 Amer’s wants to talk… ON THE PHONE!
Amer’s sick and tired of text and email. He’s ready to throw it all away and he’s making a statement: PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE. His spicy take this week is a rant about the lack of calling…

This edition’s hotter than ref’s who favored Kansas City this past week in the playoffs… Read it… laugh.. feel seen or feel embarrassed. We don’t care how you actually feel, we just want to rant.

Why Do eCommerce Agencies Suck? - EP31

Let’s be real—eCommerce agencies are often overhyped, overpriced, and under-deliver. We’re cutting through the BS and exposing why so many brands get burned when working with agencies and how to choose the RIGHT ones. (Yes, we said it.) In this episode, we’re tackling the complex and often misunderstood world of agencies. Grab your headphones and check out the episode here.

DTC Brands - Take Your Blinders Off For a Moment Please

I am not sure how this happened but I think we can blame Covid for it circa 2020-21.

For the last decade (actually 2 decades) Amazon has been creating an experience with their customers that has reset expectations for consumer purchases. Now, I get it, you can’t completely compete with the Amazon purchasing experience, nobody has the capital and infrastructure to provide the same experience.

However, one of the easier lifts, that I think is absolutely necessary, is shipping your product out quickly. It does not need to be 2 day delivery guarantee like Amazon, but you do need to ship it fast. 

Consumers accept that non-Amazon shipments take some time to deliver (2-5 days).

But not shipping for 5 days? What the f**k are you doing?

If you have a special, made to order product, I have some empathy, but communicate that. Set proper expectations. Immediately let the consumer know what the customer journey looks like and what they can expect after their credit card is charged. Super easy to address this in your onboarding email series.

If you have the product sitting on the shelf, waiting greater than 3 business days to ship is not acceptable. Waiting greater than 5? Absurd. You are literally taking a new customer and creating a friction point and poor experience which can likely mean they will NOT order from you again.

Do better folks.

Can we stop with the ghosting?

Let's talk about the elephant in everyone's inbox – GHOSTING. 

And no, I'm not talking about your failed Tinder matches (though let's be real, that's probably annoying too). 

I'm talking about you "professionals" who think it's perfectly fine to vanish into thin air after we've had actual conversations and made plans to reconnect.

You know who you are. 

The ones who send those enthusiastic "Let's definitely circle back next week!" messages, only to pull a Houdini act that would make the actual magician jealous. 

What's the deal?

Did your fingers suddenly fall off? 

Did your phone get sucked into a black hole? Or are you just that terrible at basic human interaction?

Here's a scorching hot take: No one – and I mean NO ONE – is too busy for a two-minute response. 

You're not Elon Musk running three companies (and even he manages to shitpost on X every five minutes). 

If you can scroll through Instagram while sitting on the toilet, you can send a quick "Sorry, not interested anymore" text.

And if you're in a role where communication is literally part of your job description? 

Holy hell, you're in the wrong profession,friend. 

It's like being a chef who can't boil water or a lifeguard who's afraid of pools.

Let's make this crystal clear: Ghosting isn't a time management strategy – it's just plain coward move dressed up as "being busy." 

Either grow a spine and learn to send uncomfortable messages, or go find a job where you can live like the hermit you clearly want to be.

And if this post makes you feel called out? 

Good. 

Check your unread messages and do better. 

Bad Neighbors vs. Bad Customers: A Hot Take You Didn’t Know You Needed

Ever had a neighbor so annoying that you question if living off the grid might be the move? Yeah, me too. Meet Della and Dave, the “joy” of my street. These two annoying, old love birds have mastered the art of being just tolerable enough that I can’t go full rage mode. Why? Because, unfortunately, I have to keep the peace.

Della & Dave operate on the same frequency as bad customers - you know, the ones who make you want to rethink capitalism. Let’s break it down:

🔥 They Take Without Asking

Ever had a customer buy a product, use it for six months, and then try to return it like it’s a Blockbuster rental? That’s Della and Dave with my extension ladder. Just gone. No text, no note, no shame. One day it’s in my garage; the next, it’s at their house. If I wanted to loan out tools for free, I’d open a hardware library.

🔥 They Trigger My Security System

You know how bad customers send 27 emails at 3 AM demanding to know why their package hasn’t teleported to their doorstep? Della’s cat is that energy in feline form. It sets off my Ring camera at ungodly hours, giving me mini heart attacks thinking someone’s trying to rob me. Turns out it’s just Mittens, conducting late-night recon missions.

🔥 They’re Always Grumpy

Some customers leave reviews like: “I ordered a blue item, and it’s blue. 1 star.” That’s the emotional level of Dave. Every time I wave, he stares at me like I just insulted his ancestors. Bro, I didn’t choose to live next to you either. We’re in this together—at least fake a nod of acknowledgment.

At the end of the day, I have to tolerate Della and Dave, just like we all have to tolerate those customers. They may not deserve us, but we keep the peace because life’s too short for feuds over ladders and disgruntled glances.

🛒 Shop Now Before Della Ruins It 🛒

Stay strong out there,

Bryan

Pick Up The Phone

I have a handful of agency owners and a bunch of D2C operators that I chat with often. The biggest common thread between them: anxiety.

Anxiety around timelines.

Anxiety over hard conversations.

Anxiety over cash flow.

Anxiety over ______ (fill in the blank).

The biggest reason for this anxiety is miscommunication, misalignment, and assumptions. The assumptions are never one sin good faith or benefit of doubt.

My thing is…pick up the phone and have conversation with your fellow humans…you know, human to human. Clear the air.

Literally, 99% of all conversations I’ve ever had following any form of “tension” was due to those three…and they are resolved 15 minutes into the call.

Do not log off or go to sleep carrying this. In the middle of the day, pick up the phone and talk it through…

And a pro tip, before you get on the call – tell yourself that it will be the best call you ever had…and it most likely will end up being just that.

And that’s a wrap on this week’s unfiltered takes! If you’re hooked on our no-BS rants (or just love the chaos), be sure to hit that Subscribe button and let us keep your inbox spicy. 🌶️

And of course, don’t be selfish—share with your friends, coworkers, or anyone who needs a wake-up call from their boring newsletters.

Have an ASOM day ✌️